Please accept our deepest sympathy for you at this sad time.
The death of someone you love can be a devastating experience and even if you knew they were dying, you may still feel a sense of shock when they die.
When someone dies, there are many decisions and arrangements to be made.
This booklet aims to provide some useful help and advice during the early days of your bereavement – from understanding your emotional and physical responses to the practical things you will need to do, such as register the death and arrange the funeral.
Coming to terms with the death of a loved one
The death of someone you love is a devastating experience and can bring about stronger emotions than most people have ever felt before.
Grief is an individual process and it will affect people in many different ways. There is no right or wrong way to feel, what is important is that you allow yourself time to grieve and come to terms with your bereavement in whatever way is right for you.
You may feel cold, numb, empty and unreal for a time. Following this, you may experience such emotions as anger, panic, guilt, and overwhelming sadness.
This may also be accompanied by periods of restlessness, especially at night when it is difficult to sleep. You may also react by becoming irritable or critical of yourself or others, which can lead to a feeling of despair. All these are natural reactions to bereavement and are not a sign that you cannot cope anymore. These feelings may not be there all the time, but can come and go unexpectedly.
In time, the pain will hopefully begin to ease, and you will find yourself being able to remember your loved one without becoming too distressed. This is a good sign, and an indication that you are beginning to come to terms with your loss.
Do...
- Talk to other people about the person who has died, about your memories and your feelings
- Look after yourself, eat properly and try to get enough rest (even if you can’t sleep)
- Give yourself time and permission to grieve
- Seek help and support if you feel you need it. Tell people what you need.
Don't...
- Isolate yourself
- Keep your emotions bottled up
- Think you are weak for needing help
- Feel guilty if you are struggling to cope
- Turn to drugs or alcohol - the relief will only be temporary.
There is a national charitable organisation called CRUSE which was founded to help the bereaved. They can offer emotional and practical help and also arrange social activities if you would find this helpful. The telephone number of the local branch is: Southeast Surrey Area 01737 772834.
Grief in children and adolescents
Generally, children do not understand the meaning of death until they are three or four years old. However, they feel the sense of loss of a close relative or friend in much the same way as adults.
Even in infancy, it is clear that children grieve and feel great distress. Children experience the passage of time differently to adults and can appear to overcome grief more quickly.
However, it is important that the grief of a young person is not overlooked, as they will often not want to burden anyone by talking about their feelings. It can be helpful to include them in discussions and arrangements as appropriate, for example, planning the funeral. Remember to tell schools and clubs about the child’s loss as their behaviour may change and they may be angry or withdrawn. Some children may need reassuring that they are not responsible for the death of a close relative as they often blame themselves.
Further advice and guidance on how to support children and young people can be found through Jigsaw Southeast (see contact details at the back of this leaflet).
What to do first for deaths occurring in the community
Providing there is no coroner’s investigation, the GP of your friend or relative will complete a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD), this is not the official death certificate, but they will then send this to the registrar who can issue the formal death certificate. The MCCD is usually completed on the next working day, and someone from the practice should call you once this has been sent so you can proceed in making an appointment to register the death.
What to do first for deaths occurring in Caterham Dene Hospital
Providing there is no coroner’s investigation, the doctor at Caterham Dene Hospital will complete a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD), this is not the official death certificate, but they will send this to the registrar who can issue the formal death certificate. The MCCD is usually completed on the next working day, and someone from the hospital should call you once this has been sent so you can proceed in making an appointment to register the death.
The Medical Examiner Office
The Medical Examiner’s Office is part of a national programme, established by the Department of Health and Social Care. This programme aims to review all patient deaths to ensure good quality patient care, supportive communication with relatives and accurate documentation of the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD).
The Medical Examiner (based at a local hospital) may call you or the nominated next of kin shortly after the persons death to discuss the cause of death to be written on the death certificate. They will ask how you felt about the care received and answer any concerns or questions you have.
Coroners post mortem
Occasionally, deaths have to be reported to the Coroner who decides if there should be a post mortem. If this is the case, the Coroner’s Officer will contact you and give advice as to what you should do and when you can register the death with the Registrar. In this instance the Coroner, not the GP, will issue the MCCD and there may be a small delay before you can proceed.
Registering the death
You should contact the following number to make an appointment to register the death, which can be done at Reigate Registrar’s office. Tel: 0300 200 1002 Mon-Fri 9am - 5pm or via their website at https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/birth-death-and-ceremonies/death/registrati…
You need to register the death at one of Surrey County Councils offices in person, the local office is: Reigate Registrar’s Office, Reigate Library, Bancroft Road, Reigate, RH2 &RP
You can also visit www.surreycc.gov.uk
You will need to give the Registrar the following document and information:
- The date and place of the death of the person who has died
- Their last (usual) address, which may be a residential or nursing home
- Their first name(s) and surname (and maiden name if appropriate)
- Their date and place of birth
- Their occupation (or former occupation if retired)
- If married, the date and place of their marriage along with the name and occupation of their marriage partner
- Whether the person that has died was receiving a pension or allowance from public funds.
It is important to have as much information as possible to give to the Registrar. However, if you are unsure of any details do not delay seeing the Registrar because they will be able to offer advice.
The Registrar will then give you two things:
A Certificate for Burial or Cremation (also known as the green form) to give to the funeral director, and a Certificate of Registration of Death (usually known as the death certificate). This may be helpful in dealing with financial and other matters.
We recommend that you obtain at least one copy. The registrar will be able to explain the cost of this to you.
If the coroner has been involved,they will give you a certificate for Burial or Cremation, which again needs to be given to the funeral director.
Department of Work and Pensions
For all the information you may require on what to do after death you can go to the government website at: www.gov.uk/after-a-death
Arranging the funeral
Most people use the service of a funeral director to help arrange the funeral. They are a valuable source of information, and most are available seven days a week. You can contact your chosen funeral director to start making preliminary arrangements even before the MCCD has been issued.
They can advise you on registering the death and other issues. Costs of funerals do vary, and you may wish to ask for a brochure and price lists or compare costs before making a decision.
The deceased may have already made arrangements and/or paid for a funeral. This information may be kept with their will or personal documents or with their solicitor.
If you think this may be the case but are unable to locate the information you may like to check with the local funeral directors.
If you receive state benefits you can apply for help in paying for funeral costs. The easiest way to apply for this is by phone, by calling the Bereavement Service helpline on 0800 151 2012. You can also apply by post, the form (SF200) can be downloaded online: https://www. gov.uk/government/publications/ funeral-payment-claim-form
You can also consider asking for help from relatives or a close and trusted friend, they will want to help and support you in any way they can.
The National Association of Funeral Directors has a website with details on how to find a funeral director near you: www.funeral-directory.co.uk.
If you would prefer to arrange a funeral without the support of a funeral director, you can contact your local authority for guidance.
Last respects
If you wish to pay your last respects to the deceased, we recommend you contact your funeral director who will be pleased to arrange this for you.
What else has to be done?
You should return the following with a note of explanation and the date of death with each of the documents:
- Order books, payable orders for giro-cheques to the social security office or other office that issued the payment
- Driving Licence Passport
- Membership cards of clubs and associations
- Library books and tickets
- Any NHS equipment
- Patient held nursing notes or other health records.
People to tell
- Local social services if the person was getting meals on wheels, home help or day centre care
- HM Revenue and customs Employer and Trade union Car Insurance company Gas company
- Electricity company Telephone company Water company
- Council tax,
- housing benefit office Bank
- Building society.
After the funeral
Settling the deceased person’s estate can be confusing, time consuming and distressing. If you have been named as the Executor in the Will it is your responsibility to see that
the persons wishes, as you understand them, are carried out.
This will include payment of funeral expenses, debts and taxes, as well as the disposal of their possessions and assets.
To undertake these tasks, you will need to obtain Probate Registry. This can be done quite simply (see number at back of leaflet) and can be more cost effective than using a solicitor. However, if it seems likely that the estate could be complex it may be worth using solicitors and accountants to obtain probate. Fees will be charged for these services, and they will come out of the estate.
Make it clear precisely what work they are required to do. While this is going on, access to monies in the estate can be difficult, but a solicitor may be able to arrange alternative financial support, and sometimes banks and building societies may write a cheque from the estate to cover funeral expenses, even before probate is granted.
For those who have been close relatives or friends, the process of adjusting to the loss may take a while. Try to avoid making hasty decisions during this time, especially if you are living alone.
Remembering
Everyone will have their own way to remember the person that has died. Talk about them and mention their name often and put
emphasis on the good things that happened when they were alive. Members of the family or close friends may appreciate a photograph or small object as a reminder. Most important of all will be your own memories.
Stopping junk mail to the recently deceased
If someone you know has died, the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them can be greatly reduced which helps to stop painful daily reminders as well as the risk of identity theft.
You can register for free by visiting www.stopmail.co.uk or calling 0808 1689607. The names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks.
A comparable service can also be accessed from the Bereavement Registrar or Deceased Preference Service if you would prefer to use them.
Useful contact numbers and websites
Age UK Surrey: www.ageuk.org.uk 01306 881816
CRUSE: www.cruse.org.uk 0808 808167
Funeral Directory: www.funeral-directory.co.uk 01217 111343
Jigsaw South East: Supporting children, young people and their families facing the death of a of a family member www.jigsawsoutheast.org.uk 01342 313895
Probate and inheritance Tax Helpline: 0300 1231072
Samaritans: 116123
Tell Us Once: government service to report a death to most government departments 0800 0857308
The Compassionate Friends: supporting bereaved parents and their families www.tcf.org.uk 0345 1232304
First Community provides front-line NHS community healthcare services in east Surrey and parts of West Sussex.
We provide first-rate care, through our first-rate people, offering first-rate value. For more information visit: www.firstcommunityhealthcare.co.uk
If you would like this information in another format, for example large print or easy read, or if you need help communicating with us:
First Community (Head Office)
Call: 01737 775450 Email: fchc.enquiries@nhs.net Text: 07814 639034
Address: First Community Health and Care, Orchard House, Unit 8a, Orchard Business Centre, Bonehurst Road, Redhill RH1 5EL
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For office use only: Version 2 PFD_ASC005 Publication date: December 2022