Top tips for managing grief

What is grief?

Grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss of any kind, whether this is the passing of a loved one or friend, the loss of a job, your independence, divorce etc. or it may be less significant such as changing jobs or moving out of the family home. It is a sense of sadness and other emotions that you feel. The more significant the loss the more intense the feelings you experience.

Everyone grieves differently

Grieving is a very individual experience; there is no right or wrong way to grieve and how you grieve will depend on your personality, faith, personal experiences and coping style and the nature of the loss itself. The grieving process takes time and cannot be hurried. For some they will start to feel better after a few weeks, for others this may take months or even years. There is no set timetable for when you will feel better. You will not ‘get over’ a significant loss but in time you will learn to let go.

The stages of grief

The stages of grief is not a linear process, you may find yourself moving backwards and forwards throughout the stages, you may not experience all of the stages or you may experience more stages. Remember that grief is as unique as you are. The knowledge of the stages of grief helps us to become better equipped to cope with our loss. The stages include:

• Denial: This emotion helps us to survive and allows us time to process the loss. As the denial fades, you will then start to process the feelings that you had been denying.
• Anger: Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. The more you accept the anger, the easier it will be to move through it. Blaming others or even God is common during this stage. Anger gives us a temporary structure at a time when we feel lost. Under the anger, there is also pain and it is natural to feel isolated.
• Bargaining: We begin to think of statements that start with ‘if only’ or ‘what if’, wanting our life to go back to how it was. Guilt is also often experienced, and we may think of things we could have done differently.
• Depression: Depression is one of the very necessary steps along the way. It is very natural have feelings of intense sadness and at times have thoughts about not wanting to go on. It is not a mental illness but a very normal and appropriate reaction to a loss. At the time it can feel as though the depression will never lift, but in time it will.
• Acceptance: We learn to accept our loss and we begin to have more good days than bad. We learn to adjust to the changes in our life and feel more able to move forward. We begin to evolve, grow and change. We have to give grief time.

Coping with grief and loss

• Get support and never grieve alone. Talking to someone will allow you to express your feelings. Friends, family, attending groups or seeing a grief counsellor will help you move through your emotions. People can also draw comfort from their faith, religion or spiritual practices.
• Face your feelings and try not to suppress them, it is important to work through your feelings rather than avoid them.
• Express feelings in different ways, such as writing a journal, keeping an album of happy memories.
• Look after your physical health, eating well, exercising and getting adequate sleep. When you feel good physically you will feel better emotionally. Do not use drugs or alcohol to manage your feelings.
• Plan ahead for grief triggers such as anniversaries, birthdays or holidays. Your emotions will become quite intense. Set plans to help minimise this impact.